Little Moments

Since my niece's arrival into our home it's been a crazy whirlwind, hence my lack of posts. Life has been at times, hectic, frustrating, exciting, crazy, but always rewarding in some small way. She's been in my life since she was ten when we went out to dinner with Wayne's parents and his niece and nephew and she spied a large tiger's eye ring on my hand...she then proceeds to announce that it's my engagement ring (it wasn't) but at that moment we bonded and she stole my heart. We prayerfully considered our options before preparing our home for her and I am so glad that we did! She's entering into one of the most important times in her life. She's gained freedom, trust, security and abundant love and understanding from Wayne and I. Peyton and Emilia love having her here and consider her more like a sister already. We expected it, just didn't expect it to happen so fast! I passed her bedroom the other evening and she had Mia sitting on a chair curling her hair. They were giggling and Mia was beaming....I stopped and asked her what she was doing with Kiki and she replied, "Oh, nothing, we're just sister talkin'." It made my heart smile :) She met a boy and we met him last night...while I was nervously waiting for this new guy to knock on the door I thought about her own mother and how she was missing out on these small, important moments and it made me sad. Moments that come bursting in, like she does after a date dying to share every detail, how he arranged the perfect first date, how she's coping with a new job, watching her fret over said boy and pace the floor trying to decide what to wear, how to fix her hair, it's sitting up talking over popcorn and a movie. And lately, I've been thinking that I'm not going to worry about things that I can't control, I'm just going to sit back and enjoy these moments.

I've got it all...

On Wednesday, the day before my birthday, Wayne had put an away message on his blackberry and we spent the day together. Alone. Without children. Most importantly, without his laptop. Shocking, I know. That meant more than any gift he would've wrapped up and given me. The entire day he kept asking me what I wanted and telling me that I had an unlimited spending amount for four hours, etc. Planned the whole thing, squirreled money away without my knowledge, executed said plan-except for one thing. I couldn't think of one thing that I wanted/needed/didn't have already. I thought about how the old me and her prattling off a list of brand name needs and the verse about Christ giving you the desires of your heart kept running through my mind. I stay at home with two beautiful children that call me Momma, I cook in and clean a big, new house that we prayed about for a year and that sat empty for two before our purchasing it. I drive a nice car and have places to go and friends to visit in it, and, here's the most important one: I hold the hand of a man who loved me enough to give church a try, who lays down beside me each night and laughs with me, who lays his hands on me as he prays for our children, our family and our friends, the man that God intended him to be for our family. What more could I really want in life?

Weekend of relaxation

"For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!" ~Ecclesiastes 4:10

Wayne and I have been blessed beyond measure with wonderful friends. At times, I feel a bit neglectful toward them because I know that I could be better at picking up the phone to just say, "Hey!" but, they are also the most understanding friends as well. When we first started attending The Potter's Place I remembered Pastor Ken speaking about how friendships change as one grows in faith. Now, five years later, I count some of the women at church among my closest and dearest friends and have a special place in my heart for each woman there! My best friend became so as a result of us moving in next door to her family. She's my kindred spirit and I value her friendship and admire her faith in Jesus. Our conversational topics vary largely, but it's our conversations about the Bible and God that I dwell on long after we've parted ways. We've become family and in a world with so much ugly: something beautiful....ha. Isn't it amazing how God places you into other people's lives and vice versa?!

Last night we had dinner with two of our very best friends, our Pastor and his wife Suzanne. It was a treat for us to be on a "date" without children! We laughed and talked for two hours over some of the BEST Italian food that I've had in a very long time! I enjoyed spending time with them and fellowshipping over a quiet meal in a quaint restaurant on a cold, rainy evening. It made me want to come home and read Wuthering Heights again!

Thank you Father for friends that we can trust to edify us during our walk through life when so many people are out there to tear us down. I pray that my friends will be blessed immensely.

Vacant Hearth

I know not how it was -- but, with the first glimpse of the building, a sense of insufferable gloom pervaded my spirit. ~Edgar Allan Poe “The Fall of the House of Usher”


Turning the corner to the address that had been -in grade school-
memorized only second to my own finds rotting shutters, peeling paint.
My hand brushes the glider, asleep under street dust and tattered tarp.
I’m back there now- my head in her small lap, her hands in my hair.

Scents assault my nostrils; not her scent, the scent that I keep in a Ziploc bag-
but those of grudges and rifts, of resentment and desperation.
Rooms devoid of life-or the life-the one in whom I confided
Upon whom I counted for a shoulder, sanctuary and sweet tea.

My eyes scan the molded and mildewed remains in hopes of recovering
something that I can hold onto, something tangible, a piece of her…
a copy of Julius Caesar, a bank book ledger, a scrap of paper-
instead, I leave with a hairbrush and heartache.

93 years

Yesterday was my Nanny's birthday. It was a bittersweet day for me in that she's still alive and I'm able to spend time with her, but bitter because she's losing a little more of herself to dementia everyday. This is a woman with whom I spent lots and lots of time. My mom worked weekends and because weekends at the farm when mom was working meant that my dad would make me help in the field or the garden (gasp!) I always made sure that I was going to my Nanny's house on those weekends! Most of my summers were also spent with her. She vacationed with us, spent every holiday with us (including my favorite Christmas Eve sleepovers) and came to every sporting event that included my brother and I as participants. To say that I'm having a hard time with this disease is an understatement!!

I hate standing back and watching my Nanny unravel before my eyes. She worries constantly, to the point where even her most beloved family members are little comfort. Yesterday, I asked her about going to the World's Fair in NY in 1939. She talked about going with my great-grandfather and having so much fun! Mostly, she said, because she jumped out of somewhere with a parachute?!! Imagine that! For a moment, I had her back, lost in memories. I sat at her feet and she stroked my hair, chastising me for leaving the house with it wet (I'll catch my death) and for just a few moments all was right. I closed my eyes because we weren't in a nursing home, I didn't have children that I had to get back to and she wasn't worrying. It ended as abruptly as it began with her telling me that she didn't know what to do at lunchtime and what was she going to do when I left?. And that moment was enough to get me through.

How wonderful it will be when our Heavenly Father's kingdom comes and all of our worries just melt away?

“Then Jesus said to his disciples: ‘Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?’” (Luke 12:22-26, NIV).

As a control freak who is trying to let go, that verse is so freeing and yet scary at the same time! Thank you, Father, for meeting us where we are and allow us to let go and let you take care of us as you've promised!!

The beginning....

It all started with a midnight feeding. Much like God speaking to Elijah on Mt. Horeb not in a booming thunderous voice, but in His "still small voice" that we read about in 1Kings 19:12. I was nursing my daughter; rocking her to sleep and staring out at the moonlight pouring into my window when I heard clearly what I now know was His voice saying, "This is not all that there is." The voice wasn't angry for the years that I'd turned my back on Him, put myself in situations that should have ended my life far before now and worst of all, pained Him with actions and words that I think of now with shame. No, not angry, but even-like a parent to a child. I woke my husband up and told him that God had just spoken to me and that we needed to find a church...like, yesterday!

Fast forward five years later and I can't imagine how we survived without Christ being the center of our lives, home, marriage and workplace. Two years ago we decided that I should quit my job and focus on the kids and our home. However frustrating it is at times, this is the best decision that I've ever made in my life, save listening to that "still small voice".

Many changes have come upon us in the past year. My husband's business has increased exceedingly (Praise God!), we sold our first home and purchased our 'forever' house and most recently added to our household in that our niece has moved in with us permanently. I pray that God continues to guide us in our advice to this young girl who came here to heal from a lifetime of hurt. I also pray that He does a work in her father's heart.